Recoil
by golden starfish
Summary: SPOILERS for The Long Goodbye. John and Rodney have a talk about Rodney's gun handling technique. Rating for violent imagery


**Rating for violent imagery **(What? You expected fluffy bunnies? From me:-p)  
**Spoilers:** up to and including "The Long Goodbye" (This fic will make very little sense if you haven't seen this episode)  
**Summary:** Rodney and John need to have a wee chat about Rodney's gun handling technique as Rodney demonstrated in "The Long Goodbye".  
**A/N:** Thanks to Linda for the beta and title suggestion, thanks also to Heidi for putting up with my insane 3am ramblings about this. G

Disclaimer: Characters and Stargate Atlantis are not mine:-(

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_**Recoil**

_Blind panic coursed through him. As he saw comrades around him fall from stunner blasts, he raised his weapon and fired blindly at the doorway. It was only when he heard Carson's shout of warning that he realized he was firing at the Colonel. Shit. He looked up to see the Colonel disappearing from the doorway._

* * *

McKay's nightmares had started that night; they kept morphing, but always ended with Sheppard dying. He tried to avoid sleep, but they were always there whenever he did, reluctantly, allow his body to rest.

* * *

There was the sound of gunfire. Rodney looked up from behind his arm to see John slumped in doorway where he had stood moments before. Rodney looked down at the 9mm in his hand and back to the now bloody wound in John's forehead. There was no doubt. Rodney let the gun slip from his hand. It clattered to the floor, safety still off.

* * *

When Sheppard had returned to duty he had sought McKay out. McKay knew what this conversation would be about and had contemplated handing over his personal weapon in a pre-emptive move. He hadn't. The Colonel, unsurprisingly, had demanded that McKay retake his firearms training immediately and that until he had successfully proved his skill on the firing ranges that he would be grounded. The thing Sheppard stressed the most was the ability to stay calm whilst handling a gun. There would be no off-world excursions without carrying a weapon and being able to use it correctly. Sheppard had given McKay no room for argument on that.

* * *

Rodney couldn't see; he didn't want to. He was surrounded by the sounds of stunner blasts; with his arm was held out tightly gripping the gun, he fired. He would save them. The man inhabiting John wouldn't kill them. He wouldn't get away. Rodney pulled the trigger one more time. He heard the silence and looked up to see the Colonel lying sprawled in the doorway, blood pouring from a chest wound. Frothing at the mouth the colonel gasped and spluttered, "Rodney how could you?" John's eyes fixed his with betrayal and sheer…. Rodney couldn't place the emotion.

_There was no-one else in the room this time. Rodney couldn't move, he just watched as John struggled and then stopped. His eyes open, staring vacantly._

* * *

McKay sat on the edge of his bed; the nightmares exhausted him, the emotion in them more so. There was so much... guilt. Fear too. McKay was dreading his first retraining session with Sheppard later that morning. He knew Sheppard wouldn't let him forget about the bicep wound and would be mercilessly using that to gain leverage over him for weeks to come. He knew what Sheppard had said about retraining and he wasn't prepared to let his place on Sheppard's team go without a fight. _

* * *

Rodney felt the gun in his hand and looked up to see John's body and the man who now controlled it. This time there was no fear. He felt eyes staring at him. Caldwell, Weir, Teyla, Ronon, Carson, they all looked on expectantly, waiting for him to pull the trigger. He raised his gun and fired at John's head. The brief hurt look in John's eyes said that he never thought Rodney had it in him. Rodney looked down at the gun and his now fallen friend. He didn't think he did either.

* * *

_  
"You know we're even now?" 

"What are you talking about McKay?"

"You shot me, I shot you."

"Are you talking about the personal shield thing?"

"You shot me," McKay stood there grinning.

"And as I'm sure you'll remember the bullet didn't touch you." He pointed to his own wound. "This did. So, shall we learn how to aim?"

McKay sighed and put on his ear protection and goggles, raising the gun towards the target at the end of the forest clearing.

Sheppard stood nearby McKay, leaning casually against the wall. "That's it McKay, point the gun _at the target_. Right, now, if you want to kill them aim for the head, or the heart."

The gun quivered in McKay's hand, his grip unsteady.

Sheppard continued, "But if you want to disarm them, aim for their shooting arm, that's most likely to be the one the weapon is in. Or just shoot them in the leg to slow their escape. Okay, got that McKay?"

"Quit trying to distract me! You're meant to be helping me, not hindering me!"

"And if you really want to irritate them aim for the top of their arm, right about where they were shot before." Sheppard stood with a self-satisfied grin on his face, staring at McKay.

McKay made a point of engaging the safety and laid the gun down heavily on the table. "And if you are a small child you will-"

"Rodney, you need to learn to shoot at the target. With your eyes open. So pick up the gun, put your ear protection back on and let's start practicing."

McKay gave Sheppard a half-hearted attempt at a withering look. He then picked up the gun with minimal fuss; disengaging the safety he began discharging the clip into the target. Missing the first few times, he slowly reined his aim back toward the target. He raised his arm slightly and aimed for the head, swallowing he pulled the trigger. Miss. He prepared to fire again. Images of Sheppard's bloody corpse flashed through his mind. _Now is NOT the time to freak out Rodney. Strictly no freaking out on the firing range. _He swallowed again and closed his eyes briefly as he fired. When he opened them he saw he'd hit the target. Well the target's ear. He engaged the safety and placed the gun down on the table.

"Better McKay. Still, try not to aim for the ear, as much as they might enjoy not being able to hear you insulting them, they will still be alive to brutally kill you." Sheppard's tone of voice became more stern and sober, "You need to understand that if you're going to carry a weapon, you need to be proficient in how to use it."

"No need to talk to me like I'm a child Colonel. I've already had training."

"And the events of last week clearly said you could do with a refresher. Rodney, just get on with it. This isn't about your ego, it's about remembering how to stay _calm_ so you can save your life. And those of people around you."

"I know," McKay faltered, "that I could do with… improving my aim."

"Look McKay if you don't want me to train you just say so, no big, Lorne can teach you instead. But, _whoever_ is teaching you they will require you to look at the target and discharge accurately."

"Just with less of a guilt trip." McKay muttered.

"I can you see you're scared of the power you hold in your hands McKay. You've seen people die but you haven't killed anyone with your own hands yet."

_Yet._ The word echoed inside McKay's head. _Yet._ He didn't know if he could handle that day.

"You need to put your fear aside and recognize the necessity of this skill McKay. Think of it as a skill. You will be able to defend yourself, _if_ you need to. But please make sure that it's not against me next time okay?"

McKay looked around, double checking that they were alone before turning to Sheppard and asking, "What was it like? The first time you took a life?"

Sheppard quieted. "You always hope that day will never come… It was bloody." Sheppard fixed McKay's stare, "You won't forget it, but you'll come to live with it. You have to." Sheppard paused and looked away, "Killing someone you know, that's a different thing again."

_Sumner. _McKay observed Sheppard's tense body; it spoke of an emotional pain and unease. He looked back at Sheppard and nodded, knowing there was nothing that he could say to quite match what Sheppard had said or had been through. Looking to Sheppard for reassurance, he waited for Sheppard to give a small nod.

"Try again Rodney. It's all about practice."

McKay put on the ear protection and picked up the weapon, reloading it he fixed his eyes on the target. Images from his nightmares flickered through his mind; he kept his eyes on the target and took deep breaths. He swallowed and then fired the weapon. He hit the target in the centre of the head, right between the eyes. The image of Sheppard's dead body and himself holding the gun that killed his friend refused to budge from his mind. He tried to ignore it and fired again. He hit the target in the chest. _'It's all about practice'_ and that was what rattled him the most. McKay thought that on some level it unnerved Sheppard too.

Fin.


End file.
